To the GOP: I'm Sorry, Thank You, You're Welcome

Patrick joins the new GOP.

I do sort of feel like I owe radical Republicans an apology.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about, and writing about, how outrageously stupid and childish you’ve made the Republican Party lately.  And really, it’s caused me a great deal of stress trying to explain that viewpoint to people.

But now, the masses are starting to figure it out.

See, ‘cause when Newt Gingrich says child labor laws are “truly stupid” and recommends kids sweep the floors of their schools, people start to think you’re weird.

...and when your party’s campaign donors joke that women should be holding an aspirin between their legs (in order to keep them closed) as a form of contraception, other people besides me know that thinking is a bit dated. 

...and when you line up a panel of men in a government hearing to discuss womens’ contraception, that’s lacks a bit of common sense.

...and when three states have (or had) Republican-sponsored bills mandating that a trans-vaginal ultrasound probe be given before any women can have an abortion—more-or-less literally forcing the government into a woman’s body—well, people think that’s a little outrageous.

And when your campaign boasts the endorsement of a major Detroit newspaper, but gets caught editing out their criticism that you opposed the American auto bailout, you're really not doing your party any favors.

But you are doing me a favor. 

Because I didn’t say these things.  You said these things.  You’re letting people add up how out of touch with the times you are, how extreme your ideas have become from the mainstream, and how you can’t even celebrate an American success simply because the other guy did it.  You’re splintering and positioning the entire perception of your party—not just the occasional candidate—as bizarrely radical. 

People who don’t even really pay attention to the news that often are beginning to add this up, with or without my help. 

So, thanks for making the suicide of your party so public.  Here’s hoping their rebirth enables this country to move forward without pandering to dangerous madcaps and religious weirdos. 

Now, if I might be so bold, I’d like to join the voice of the current incarnation of the GOP for just a minute and offer up some more talking points for use in the general election; just to expedite the process of shuffling off the lunatics in the party so we can (hopefully) get you back to responsible politics.  These are red-meat topics that both nostalgically remind us of the halcyon days of yesteryear AND pin further blame on Obama.  And they fit right in with the “logic” your party has been using during the nomination process:

Talking Point #1:  Everyone knows what a catastrophe “Obamacare” is.  When a Republican is President, the process of repeal can begin, so people with pre-existing conditions can go back to being appropriately shunned by insurance companies.  But Republicans do need to address health care after its repeal, so the talking point to embrace here is:  “Leeches.”  Leeches for cures, and leeches for the poor.  Leeches to treat everything.  Got the gout?  Leeches.  And leeches will suck the Diabetes right out of your body.  Also, I don’t know if you’ve ever been to the state of Florida, but we can totally start a leech farming industry to revitalize the economy in that state. 

All we need in return is their electoral votes.

Talking point #2:  Obviously, Obama’s bailout of the auto industry was an unmitigated disaster. Americans are now, once again, driving American-made cars— and doing so at speeds that are way too fast.   So the message to the electorate needs to be:  “President Obama is trying to kill your children by giving handouts to his cronies in the automobile industry so they can make cars that exceed safe speeds.” 

The best solution to Obama’s carelessness is to get America back to horse travel.  Horses are safe and efficient.  And they don’t pollute the atmosphere, either.  Why is that hypocrite Obama—who is supposed to be all for green jobs and environmental safety—bailing out car companies to pollute our atmosphere?  We should be saddling up on horses again, where speeds are safer and emission standards would be drastically lowered to the level of the occasional post-hay flatulence.

Talking point #3:  Democracy is dumb.  Obama and the Democrats are trying to bring their “Chicago Style” voter fraud tactics to the nation.  This has to be stopped.  And the best way to do that is simply to go to a feudalistic society.  The GOP is already tinkering with this in places like Benton Harbor, Michigan, where an appointed “emergency manager” has practically absolute power in the town above and beyond the actual elected leaders.  We should go nationwide with this and just make Newt Gingrich a knight and provide him with lands in Georgia.  We can dress up Ron Paul like King Longshanks from Braveheart.  Mitt Romney could fire a bunch of peasants.

The only question left is whether or not we can find Rick Santorum a sweater vest made of chain mail.

Hope that helps.  You’re welcome.

This post is contributed by a community member. The views expressed in this blog are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Patch Media Corporation. Everyone is welcome to submit a post to Patch. If you'd like to post a blog, go here to get started.

* March 02, 2012 at 12:17 AM
“They talk about income inequality. I’m for income inequality.” - Santorum
Lynda Zielinski March 03, 2012 at 01:56 PM
So funny! Loved it! Shouldn't it be flatulence (a noun) though?
Patrick Giusto March 03, 2012 at 10:07 PM
It should be, yes. And I cannot express to you how ashamed I am-- not only that I missed that in editing, but that I screwed up a fart joke I spent an entire paragraph setting up. Thanks for pointing that out, though.
Jonathan Coulter March 05, 2012 at 04:47 AM
Patrick, go ahead and add "sh*t-stirrer" to your tagline.
Damon koch April 14, 2012 at 02:27 PM
Talking point #1- Insurance companies reject 4% of their claims, Medicare and medicaid reject 8%. And you want to put the government in charge. The Conservative position is more free market solutions that work, not more government which leads to less care because of rationing. Talking pouint #2- The bailout of the auto industry was unconstitutional and immoral. The President took equity from ligimate bond-holders and gave it to the unions. This was done, we were told, to avoid bankruptcy, which happened anyway. Also, you may remember, the administration closed profittable dealerships simply because they were run by Republicans. Talking point #3-I have heard no Republican suggesting this. Once again you set up a strawman argument by mischaracterizing what the Conservative position is just so you can knock it down. This is because you can't defend your own Liberal positions in the arena of ideas, so you have to lie about what is the Conservative position.


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